I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
