I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize