The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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