I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
