im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i think i have two assholes
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
