Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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