I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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