I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This is not my ceiling
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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