I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
