I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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