Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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