dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
