If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
