Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
