He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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