Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
