I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
