so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize