I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dick very happy bro
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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