Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
