toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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