When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
