If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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