I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize