I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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