This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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