I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
