Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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