Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
