Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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