textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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