If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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