I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
