someone threw a dead crab at me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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