So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
