im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
