I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
