I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
