oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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