I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
