and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My bed smells like the plague
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
