I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
