I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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