she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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