I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
