Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Two words: blizzard sex
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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