I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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