I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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