Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
