Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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