so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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