my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
