my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
