You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
