just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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