I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
