She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
