There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize