really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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