don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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