you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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