I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
