So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
