I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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