You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
