What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
