I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
